When the Principal Is a Narcissist: The Hidden Abuse Behind the Smiles

 

Lately, I have been on a bit of a roll with speaking my mind, and honestly, it’s way overdue. In the last few posts I exposed a lot: unspoken truths about school culture, leadership dynamics, and the emotional weight educators carry in silence.

This is not just content, It is an emotional release. Something I should have done seven years ago. For too long, I held back, thinking that staying quiet was the “safe” thing to do. But silence did not protect me. It only protected the problem.

So here I am now, speaking plainly and today, we’re talking about a kind of leadership that I have encountered that hides in plain sight: The narcissistic principal.

Let’s talk about a kind of school leadership that is harder to spot but deeply damaging: the narcissistic principal. And heaven help you if you’re dealing with a mix of both ills; narcissistic with bullying tendencies. That combination isn’t just toxic, it’s destructive.

A narcissistic leader is not just a "tough boss" or someone with high expectations. This is a leader who uses charm as a mask, who manipulates perception, and who bullies others, all while smiling publicly.

If you have ever worked around a principal who is all warmth and jokes in front of parents, but leaves a wake of fear behind closed doors, you already know what I’m talking about.

What Narcissistic Principals Look Like in Schools

Narcissistic school leaders are not always loud or aggressive. In fact, they can be the most charismatic people in the room when it suits them. They know how to put on a show. They praise you in public, then undermine you in private. They make grand statements about “protecting your mental health,” then create a toxic environment that quietly damages it.

Here’s what they often do:

• Charm parents, school officials, and visitors with friendliness and energy

• Gaslight teachers who raise concerns (“Calm down, Miss! You're overreacting!”)

• They bully students, then hand out rewards and pat their heads like nothing happened

• They belittle or exclude staff who either challenge their plans or simply don’t buy in

• Create a fear-based loyalty culture where speaking up is seen as disloyal or a personal attack against them.

The Parent Problem: When No One Believes the Kids

One of the most dangerous dynamics in this type of leadership is how it impacts children. Narcissistic principals often know how to perform for parents. They greet them warmly at dismissals or visits and at PTA meetings. They are always available and easily accessible. 

So when a child comes home and complains some parents struggle to believe it. Why would Mr or Miss Friendly act that way?

Because behind the smile is someone who uses fear and control to keep their image intact. 

Worse still, that same principal might pull the child aside the next day, not to apologize, but to smooth it over with a reward. A little candy. A compliment. A smile. A pat on the back. A hand bounce. This is not an act of kindness. This is manipulation.

What it Looks Like for Teachers

Teachers often get the same treatment. One week, the principal praises you for your contributions and your hard work. The next week? You are ridiculed in front your peers, or you are suddenly “under review” if you did not buy in to one of their plans.

It’s an emotional rollercoaster, designed to keep people quiet and confused.

Why? Because narcissistic leaders fear being challenged more than anything. They thrive in environments where loyalty is rewarded and criticism is punished.

This is not just uncomfortable, it is dangerous. When teachers and students are constantly on edge, learning naturally takes a back seat. And when leadership behaviour goes unchecked, obscured behind charm or flashy projects, the damage runs deep and quiet.

What Needs to Change

• Parents need to listen when children express discomfort. Show interest. Ask questions. Dig deeper. 

• Teachers must be able to report toxic leadership without fear of retaliation.

• The Ministry of Education must assess principals on more than test scores and enrollment numbers. Emotional safety should be non-negotiable.

• Leadership evaluations should include anonymous staff feedback and direct observations of school climate, periodically.

Speak Out!

It takes courage to speak out and fortitude to come forward. One voice might be just what it takes to expose this kind of leadership. It is crucial that we create a culture where children feel heard and protected, no matter who is involved. Only by taking their concerns seriously can we build safer, healthier schools for everyone.

Have you seen this kind of leadership in your school? What did it look like?
Let’s keep this conversation going for the sake of our teachers, our students, and the kind of leadership every school deserves.